Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The Thing About Holidays

Holidays. All the family gets together, we catch up, share stories, laugh and eat too much delicious food. 

Wouldn't it be cool if I shared a post full of smiling faces and talk about how much I looooove every single holiday and every single part of holiday visits? Wouldn't it be even cooler if that was the whole truth? It is true. But wouldn't it be cool if it was the whoooole truth?

I figure we've seen enough of those posts. You know the ones. With perfectly posed families in their Sunday best. Pretending they didn't have any eye rolls and stomped feet and sleepy toddlers and husbands that don't want to match the dog's outfit. 

We did have a good Easter. All those good things everyone posts about did happen. We did. 
But let's keep it real. That's why I post here, right?

We compare. We see family members for 2 seconds giving a highlight version of what they've been up to & we lose all logic. We pretend that they have no problems. That the smile they wear when they share the high points is the whole truth. Like they aren't leaving out a single detail. 

You know what else? For me, holidays are so lonely. Being surrounded by all those people and feeling lonely sounds crazy. But, holidays are a big reminder that I am very much alone in this journey. I sit there assembling Prissy's Easter basket alone, filling it with all the things I bought alone. Alone, in the 30 minutes I stole during a work day to run like a crazy person through Target. Right beside me? My sister. My sister assembling her kidS baskets. With her husband. Her husband who helped pick everything out & is helping assemble all those things. And will sit with her when those kids excitedly go through the baskets the next day. Who will take turns helping the kids hunt eggs while the other snaps photos. They get to talk to each other on the ride home and share these memories. 
You know what else they get to do? Talk shit about her crazy family. I mean, I'm sure everyone except her sister. Yeah. I'm sure. 
Not just my sister. I spend the most time with her. But I'm surrounded by cousins. One cousin had to work. You know what happened? Her kids still came. Why? Because her husband brought them and she met when she got off work. Had her kids had to wait for her, they would have missed the whole thing. She came up as we were walking out. 

Holidays are reminders of all the things I do alone. Of all the things I don't have a partner to talk to about. Of all the things my child has to miss out on if I can not arrange for. Holidays are freaking lonely. 

I love that Prissy doesn't think she is missing out on anything. I know she doesn't notice. She doesn't care. She loves when we are all together and she loves when it's just the two of us. 

Honestly, in the moments of the holidays, when I'm watching her, I'm not lonely at all. I'm happy, everything is all right. It's mostly the end. When we lay down & she falls asleep and there's nobody there to rehash the day with. Or in the car on the way home and she falls asleep and there's nobody there to talk to me and keep me awake because I'm tired too. 

What holiday is up next? I can't wait. 

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