Sunday, June 30, 2013

Mani + Pedi

 It just doesn't seem like the twins should already be so big. And my little lady sure loves & looks up to them. She thinks she is as big as they are & tries doing everything they do. I'm so glad she has them to follow but I hope she doesn't go as fast as they did!

We celebrated the girls' big 6th birthday with a 1st: salon manis & pedis!!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Father's Day Weekend

If you're expecting me to glorify being a single mom & how I'm playing both roles, you'll be disappointed. I recognize that I can do many things, and have, but one thing I can't do is be a male role model for my daughter. I can show her what to expect, what not to settle for, and how to be a woman. But I can't be a man. Fortunately, I don't have to. When her daddy walked out, there were no shortage of men willing to be that example. Men that love their wives, support their families, encourage their children, and love the Lord. They aren't her daddy, but they don't want to be. They are great at what they are though- uncles, cousins, grandparent & great-grands, and even just friends- men. Men who are blessed & a blessing. 

We enjoyed this weekend in Cincinnati celebrating some of those men, but also celebrating the greatest example of love- our Heavenly Father. 

The most beautiful sunset somewhere in TN on our way. 

Y'all, I have the sweetest, happiest, cutest nephew in the whole world! I joke with my sister all the time that he was supposed to be mine. He's too precious to belong to her ;) He came into our room Saturday morning to wake his sleeping cousin & she was SO happy to see him, her KK & Tio Andrew!
Even the happiest of babies can only handle so much shopping though. After barely 3 stores with his mama, mimi & granny, he could stand it no longer. Even I was kinda exhausted. Those women can shop! And my child was right with them. Lord help me...
We had lunch at IPH with the most amaaaazing view of my sister & BIL's city. This place almost had me thinking I could be a Cincy girl... Almost. Until we had to drive again; major traffic anxiety!
My daddy. Such an amazing man. He knows better than most that a daddy's job isn't done after the 18th birthday. He took me & prissy in last year without a 2nd thought. In fact, he took off work to go get our stuff & has listened to my dramas with a patient heart over & over. I love him so very much & am so happy my daughter has him every single day loving her unconditionally. 
Even sweet baby Anderson will protect his big cousin as they grow up. I pity the boy that tries to take this little lady out one day. He will have to go through these men first. Bless his heart...

Sunday my nephew was baptized. How cute is his outfit? 
We don't have many pictures of Aubrey Jo because this is the kind of mood she was in. 
See what I'm saying?
Catholics also don't have a church nursery. Fun times, y'all!
Sweet baby Anderson's God-parents. They were good to my sister when she first moved there, so I have full confidence they will love my sweet nephew like their own. Heck, I was borderline tempted to leave MY child with them. I tried sneaking her in with their girls but they noticed the extra bow. Darn...
I did really enjoy though experiencing a catholic mass. My daddy grew up catholic, so I felt lucky to be able to see him at "home". I am baptist, and think I'll remain a baptist. But the church & the service were beautiful. 
Poor thing was exhausted!
She was in a much happier mood once we got back to my sister's home & she could run and play. 
After the party, we left the kids with the grands & went out. It was really nice to just relax & enjoy some time with my sister & BIL. We laughed, walked downtown, got dinner, just chatted. I miss her so much & am thrilled to be able to rebuild my relationship with her and get to know her husband too. It's SO important. 
Cousins saying goodbye Monday morning :(

Friday, June 14, 2013

Like Her Mama

There are lots of things I want to be as a mother. But I think the most important is to be the kind of woman I would be proud to see my daughter become. 

I hope my daughter grows up to be the kind of woman that knows her value & is brave enough to not settle for anything less than she deserves. The kind of woman that has an opinion & doesn't let anyone silence her. The kind of woman that surrounds herself with positivity & wouldn't hesitate to walk away from any person or situation that brings her down. The kind of woman her children would aspire to be like. The kind of woman that understands "just because you can, doesn't mean you should". The kind of woman that remembers to say "thank you" and "I'm sorry". More importantly, the kind of woman that remembers to accept other's thanks & apologies. The kind of woman that prays through instead of until. 

Guess I better step it up...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Tell Me What I Want To Hear

I confess. Sometimes I just need to hear certain things. I think most people have those moments, but for some reason, we don't like to admit it. We know what we need to hear & who is willing to say it.

This past year, I have really mastered this art. I know who will tell me it's OK to go back. I know who will tell me to stay away. I know who will make me laugh. I know who will distract me. And I know who will bring me back to real life. And I know when I need more or less of each of those people.

Recently, I have reconnected with an old friend. And she has a way of saying exactly what I need. Without passing judgment, or telling me what I should or shouldn't do. It has been exactly what I have been needing. She starts every day with a "good morning" text that includes an uplifting quote or funny picture. Just a small gesture that starts each day with a smile.

Share a picture with her of the whore? "That's her? She isn't even cute like NOT at allllll"

Tell her I 2nd guess my decision? "I have faith and support whatever you choose to do. Just make sure you're making yourself & Aubrey happy first" (complete with a smooch emoticon)

She agrees with me in one moment that he could change. That deep down he could be good. That there could be a logic behind the madness. But she hates him with me when I need to just hate him for what he did (is doing) to our family. Then she is right there with me wishing "get out of jail free cards" were real so we could just handle some business.

And, as she always has, she is ready & willing to try a new jello shot recipe at the drop of a hat. Only now, it's less "drop of the hat" and more "lets plan when you have a long weekend and we can utilize a grandma to babysit so we can sleep through our inevitable hangovers".

You need friends. I regret letting my marriage put a wedge in so many friendships. I am fortunate that so many of my friends are awesome enough to have been waiting for me with open arms. They have embraced me again & I love them more than I could tell them! I look forward to rebuilding these relationships and not making the same mistakes again (=


Monday, June 10, 2013

20's Bucket List

I found this old "bucket list" of sorts that I wrote shortly after we got married. It was 30 things I wanted to do before I turned 30. Now, at 25, it kind of makes me laugh... let's take a look, shall we?

be without car/credit card debt (so close!)
I am free of car debt. But my credit card... still lingering.

dance on a bar... with my mom
I haven't. But this would still be kind of fun. Though unlikely. I should have done this before baby...

buy our first home
I mean.. obviously. Didn't. Won't.

(learn to) change a flat tire by myself
yep. Girl power!

go skydiving
Should have done this before I was a mom. I can't risk dying now, leaving my child essentially an orphan.

take a trip abroad
Unhappy marriages, long drawn out divorces, and single motherhood is not lending itself to any traveling.

meet Dinah (Gina Tognoni) from Guiding Light
sadly still no,

become a mommy

go to Surf Camp in Costa Rica!

find a way to repay my grandparents
I can never repay them! They just keep getting more awesome.

get arrested for something silly (don't worry mom, nothing serious!)
Not interested anymore. This is not cute on a mom.

host a holiday at our house
No. Didn't. Won't.

make peace with my in-laws
I think I've mentioned this. The one that hated me the very most actually has been quite pleasant & enjoyable since the divorce, ironically. The rest? No. And they're not my in-laws anymore so I don't guess it matters...

buy a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes
Waiting for that sugar daddy now...

be a guest in the audience at Oprah
No longer an option

master my culinary skills

sport a 6-pack (and I don't mean beer)
hahahaha really, Jules? No, Just no.

have a close encounter with Britney Spears
Greg did take me to a concert that was the highlight of my early 20's. BUT not close enough.

fly First Class
I have no plans of flying any time soon. so...

hop in a taxi and say those magic words "follow that van!"
Why the hell would I hop in a taxi? Stranger danger!

read all the way through The Bible - cover to cover
Working on it

take a roadtrip... on a motorcycle
Nope. I value my life. Again, not making my child an orphan

go watch a movie alone
Since I'm single now, this is actually a depressing reality rather than a confident escape lol

pick up the check for a stranger
Does McDonald's count? I say yes.

drink champagne on a sailboat
Bring it on, lover!

hike up to the HOLLYWOOD sign
Not much traveling happening..

shoot something and hit what I'm aiming at

win something

donate blood
ew.. no. Why did I ever write this?

carve a heart with our initials in a tree, or wet concrete
many lolz

Friday, June 7, 2013

Marriage vs Man

This is going to just be a garbled mess of thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head. I don't know how to word it pretty. So just be warned. It's literally thoughts spilled to a blog post.

I married a man. Married, verb. Man, noun. Man & woman get married. Man & woman, nouns. Get married, verb. Married, it's something we DID. Right? So why, then, does it feel like it is less of an action and more of a real life living breathing walking torturing thing? A noun. At some point it became a noun. I don't know when why or how... but it did.

I miss my marriage. I feel obligated to my marriage. I made a promise to God, in His home, to honor a man thru a marriage. For better or worse. Richer or poorer. Sickness and in health. Until death do us part. Do I miss the man? I don't know. The two are obviously connected. Related. Are they one in the same though? Do I miss him, or just the marriage? Do I feel obligated to him, or just the marriage? Do I want to make my marriage work, or do I want to make US work? I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know how to separate the two in order to answer that question honestly. I don't know how to separate what I believed to be true from what I now know to be true. I don't know how to separate what did happen and what could happen.

I recently realized a very sad truth. I have not had a real face to face conversation with my husband, about our marriage, and the ending of our marriage. When I found out about the infidelity, I was already in GA so I just didn't come back. We haven't had a face to face sit down conversation in a year. This makes me sad. I feel like I need to have this conversation. Not in email, text, or even on the phone. But face to face. Without distractions. I need him to hear what I have to say. I need him to answer my questions. I need to hear what he has to say. I probably need to answer some things for him.

Does the man deserve the courtesy? Or does my marriage deserve the respect? Or do I just need to do it selfishly for myself? I don't know. But lately I do feel like it needs to happen. But do I want to open that door? Where will it lead? Will it help close the chapter? Or just open my heart to believing him again? Will what he say be true? Or will it be more lies? These are all questions I can't answer. I have been praying over them a lot lately. But God seems to be over my heartache because I am not getting much response from the man upstairs.

My head tells me that he has shown me over the past year what matters, what doesn't, who he loves, who he doesn't, and what he is, and isn't, willing to change. But my heart(?) tells me that I owe it to him, to my marriage, to hear him out.

This would be a great time for God to come down, show Himself to be, and lay out the map to my happiness in front of me. Clearly written.

Thursday, June 6, 2013


Joining one of my very most favorite bloggers, Sonja, for one of my very most favorite topics. A laundry list of people (places or things...) that need to seriously pipe the f*ck down.

Angelina Jolie. I don't care how many kids you adopt or boobs you remove. You'll always be a Homewrecker to me. And you need to pipe down. I'm over you. 
Trends. You know. The shorts that leave half the ass exposed. Bras as shirts. See-thru pants. Greased hair. Piercings in random places- collar, cheek, arm, etc. Pipe down. I'm too old & tired to deal with this nonsense. I promise, you aren't cute. My child will one day want to be trendy. And this shit better pipe down. 
People who snark when I wish them a good day. Honestly. What would you rather: "have a good day" or "I hope the rest of your day is as crappy as your personality"? Exactly. So take it. And pipe down. 
My past. You keep creeping back up. Pipe down. 
I agree with Sonja. Sponsored posts. They've spilled from blogs to twitter. I'm over it. Let's be real again. I miss YOU. Even my instafeed is starting to be spammed. Pipe down!
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