Tuesday, May 28, 2013

I know a girl...

I know a girl going through a situation similar to mine. Her almost-ex-husband recently dropped a text bomb on her that left my jaw on the floor. 

He asked her what happened to them. They used to be the couple to be, he said, hot young & liked to party. 

I wish I could have yanked the phone out of her shaky hands & let him have it. What happened? Those hot young party animals grew up. Or one of them did. When you start having babies, the parties slow down. They stop. Or they should. 

If you're marrying someone based on age, looks, or social calendars, I have news for you. It's going to end. None of those things are forever. 

If you're left by someone who is looking for hot young parties, I have news for you too. You're better off. He will soon leave the next one too. You are beautiful. You are still young. And you are the life of the party at every play date. That's all that matters. So chin up!

Friday, May 24, 2013

Memorial Day Tears

Memorial Day last year was the day my life spun on its head. I knew things were bad. But I didn't know how bad. I didn't know memorial day would be our last holiday- our last day- as a family together.

That morning, we got up, my husband was off work so we hit up the pool. His phone was going crazy. He said it was his brother. Which was weird since he said he didn't talk to his brother anymore. What's weirder? When I picked up his phone, history cleared. Ladies, listen up... You aren't the bad guy. If he's deleting texts, you have bigger issues than you being "nosy & controlling".

When we went in for lunch, I put the baby down for nap & he got dressed. Trust me, I was as confused watching as you are reading. Why is he getting dressed? She is going to nap at least 2 hours. We have plenty of time to kick up our feet and relax.

Except he had no plans of lounging with his wife. He was going to a holiday cookout. And we weren't welcome to join him. I asked, then insisted, then begged, and then I cried. He said no. And yall? He meant no. At the time I thought I cried because I was a SAHM & frankly the last thing I wanted to do was spend the holiday at home alone with the baby. Like every other day. I think deep down, I knew there was more going on. But I still tried to deny it.

When he got home, of course the baby was up from nap & I was agitated. He, naturally, was ready to take a nap. So we fought. We really fought. He said he needed me & the baby to go to my mom & dads "for a few days". I thought it wasn't a bad idea. I didn't want to look at his face either. So I called my mom, she sent me some gas money & we drove to GA.

Those of you who know my story know that I didn't make the drive back home.

I am sad that it ended. I am sad that I'm in the position I'm in now. BUT I am so glad my mom had $100 to send me. Because if she hadn't, he may have not gotten caught & I would still be playing his foolish Mrs. Best money she's ever spent!

Miss Priss has no clue in this picture how much her life will change the very next day.....

Thursday, May 23, 2013

The Twins Graduate

Today, I had the privilege to attend the end of the year program for my favorite kindergarten graduates. I love these girls SO much! They are so beautiful- inside & out. My mom started keeping them at just a few weeks old & they were immediately part of our family. Last summer, when my world was crumbling, their mama let me nanny until I started work. She says I helped her. She has no clue how much those sweet girls healed my heart. It has been a joy watching them grow. It seems just yesterday they were newborns. Then today? Boom. They are little girls. Aubrey Jo so admires them & I know she always will.

Hay & Ky, I hope you always know how much your JuJu loves you! I hope to sit in the audience at your high school & college graduations. And one day your weddings. But I am still in total denial that those days are coming.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Prissy on the Farm

Miss Priss spent the day out in the fields today. She was in absolute heaven! She is always cute in her little outfits & big bows. But the smile she wears when she is just running free outside is the cutest (=

 that face right there. pure joy!
 blurry pic, but this little one was still in the egg! Mr. Lee trusts my rough & tough toddler way too much.

 she loves to drive!

still a diva. always!

Monday, May 20, 2013

I'm a Mama

It has to be said. I'm a mama. And a damn proud one. It's my favorite title. My most challenging burden. And my most overwhelming reward. Every decision I make is based around my role as a mother first.

Sure, that's not the ONLY part of me. But it's the best.

I am so annoyed when I see women complaining about wanting to be "more than just a mom". Just a mom? Fuck you. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. What label could possibly be "more" than a mother? There isn't one. No hobby, job, spouse, disorder, Greek letter, whatever. Nothing is "more than" being a mom.

And if you're not ready for that? Then stick to whatever it is you're doing. Leave the mothering to the mamas.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Holding On To the Fantasy

I had to confess to my mom tonight something I really did not want to have to say out loud.

I'm still holding on to the fantasy.

The fantasy of my marriage being until death do us part. (Our vows didn't include a whore clause.)

The fantasy of my daughter having both parents together.

The fantasy of having more children. (with the same baby daddy.) (I hate that term. But it makes me laugh.)

The fantasy of love conquering all.

The fantasy that he is going to wake up, full of regret, get his shit together, and show up on my doorstep to sweep me off my feet... Again. (I left another time amid rumors of infidelity in the beginning of our marriage. He didn't even let hours pass though before he was camping outside waiting to bring me home. I foolishly believed him obviously.)

The fantasy of happily ever after.

I was expecting judgement & anger from my mom. I was shocked at how understanding she was. Or at least pretended to be to my face. She said she thinks it's probably natural. And may never go away. It's ok to still have the fantasy in the back of your mind as long as you know it's just that. A fantasy. Not real life.

I know HE is no good for me. Me with him is no good for my daughter. If I'm honest with myself, it was always a fantasy. Im learning that it was never the reality of my marriage. And it never will be my reality.

But I'm allowing myself to keep it a fantasy in the back of my mind. At least for now...
Surely I'm not alone in this, right?

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Divorce & Technology

Confession. All those albums on Facebook from my marriage? Not deleted. Just tighter privacy. Scroll far enough back & they're still on my IG feed & mobile upload album. I just deleted them off my iPhone memory only because I was running out of storage. (anyone know how to back them up somewhere?)

The 1 year mark is quickly approaching. And I just now today deleted our email account from my phone. You know, OUR account. I long ago sent a mass email to our contacts letting them know our new personal email addresses. But I didn't delete it. I was still receiving anniversary countdowns & updates from the knot/nest/bump. Stores went crazy in Feb & March for us to show each other our love with valentines & birthday shopping reminders. Why? Why did I torture myself with this for a whole year? Dumb.

No more!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Relationship Manifesto

My manifesto is actually very simple. Almost embarrassingly so, considering I've been thinking about it for months.

I have so many things I've learned from my first marriage that I want to carry to my second. But, at the end of the day, it is very simply boiled down to 3 major points.

When my parents got married 28 years ago, it was not without drama. There were all kinds of problems clouding over their happiness. My mama always has told me that she turned to her granny in times like these. I very much wish I could have known my great granny Ward. But I see her legacy that has touched generations, so in a way, I do know her. I know her heart. I will likely tell Aubrey Jo what her great granny Ward told her Mimi when she wondered about her future husband. She said "Does he love the Lord? And does he love you? Then everything else will fall into place." And so far, it has. So that's what I keep coming back to.

Love the Lord. I pray for a husband that not just simply believes, but has a real relationship with God. Talks to Him. Encourages me in my walk. Prays with and for me. And our family.

Love me. I mean, truly love me. With all my flaws. Doesn't spend our time together trying to change me. Or fool me. Doesn't just love certain traits about me or things I bring to the relationship. Just loves me. In a passionate, spiritual, real kind of love. Understands my heart, and feels honored to be the keeper of my heart.

I will add one though that my great granny Ward didn't anticipate.

Love my daughter. The man that is after my heart has a tough road. He not only has to win me over, but Aubrey Jo too. He has to love & be loved by her. He has to love her enough to not only understand, but respect & appreciate that she comes first. His journey is hard, but I like to think the reward is so very much worth it.

I feel like if my marriage is built in the foundation & framework of these 3 things, then we will weather any storm. The rest is just picture frames and throw pillows. It will come along. We can make the rest work as long as we are rooted here.

That's not to say though that the picture frames & throw pillows aren't important; they are. And I may go into some of the patterns I like on my pillows later. But chevron vs. paisley aren't deal breakers.
So I don't feel like it's fair to include them here.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Manifesto Bloopers

I've mentioned a couple times my relationship manifesto that Scarlett inspired me to pen. I'm going to share it; but first? Let's drag it out a little bit...

In anticipation for the manifesto, let's share some of the "bloopers" if you will. Things that I was thiiiis close to including. But decided it... would make me look cray I mean make me look like I need therapy I mean... would just be best left out ;)

  • Be an orphan. Because in-laws suck. And husband's lie. And that's a combo I'd rather avoid in round 2 as to avoid a round 3 all together.
  • Have hobbies that don't include me. Because hey, sometimes I need to pull myself out of your ass. But those hobbies should include my dad, grandpa, or brother-in-law. Because hey, husbands can't be trusted on their own.
  • Ball big. Because I've been poor & happy... and poor & miserable. Let's take a look at how green the grass is over on the other side.
  • Dress well. Because I like dragging your ass to photo sessions around every turn & don't have time to dress me, the toddler, AND you. Do it yourself.
  • High sperm count, low sex drive. Because I want more babies but aint nobody really got time for all of that.

Obviously I am kinda
in a way
a little bit
OK.. I am totally joking.

Stay tuned, I will be serious about this coming up soon...

Monday, May 6, 2013

Confessions Part 3

Part 1
Part 2

I blogged about dating. But the truth is, I'm only an almost-ex-wife. And everybody knows "almost doesn't count" (bonus points if you can read that without singing the old Brandy favorite). So, for now, I'm still someone's wife. Which means I'm in no position to be someone else's girlfriend. I'm not saying that this is how everyone should do it. I'm just saying, for now, this is how my heart feels. As much as I may want to entertain the offer, I just feel wrong doing so. So hopefully those offers are still on the table when everything is said & done...

My husband doesn't share that feeling. (do you follow me on twitter? You should.) it's a strange feeling. Not surprising considering. But still strange.

Recently, everything I had convinced myself of about our marriage & when the deception began, changed. It was shattered. The rug ripped out from under me. A total punch to the gut. I feel like I started the process all over again.

Even with everything I know, part of me still 2nd guesses myself. Every. Single. Day. A friend told me to allow myself to believe what he was saying. To allow myself to be open to reconciliation. To see how it feels. To see if I could live with it. So I did. And it felt good… for moments. Then I would want to cry. Then I would wonder who was on the other end. Then it would feel normal. Then I hated myself. Then I liked it. Then I felt pathetic. It felt much like my marriage. And I know I can't go back to more of the same.

That doesn't mean I'm at total peace though. In fact, the ONLY peace I have is that, as Carrie said, the next time that he cheats? Oh you know it won't be on me. And of course it doesn't hurt that I walked away with the only good part of him. And as much as I loved him, I love her SO. MUCH. MORE.

Here's one for you. I really hate the person that told me what was happening last year. His life continued, he chose not to leave his wife, they are still a "happy" little family. I use quotes around happy because ... Lezbehonest ... He knows everyday. But even though I know that, I can't help but hate him for pushing my hand & destroying my "happy" little family when he wasn't willing to do the same. So much about this is very unfair.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The Power of Poop

Today was one of those days.
It was crappy.
Pun intended.

Nobody knows the power of poop like Dr. Oz a mother.

When I was married, and prissy was a baby, nothing brought me more laugh-until-I-couldn't-breathe joy than one time when she had a nasty blow out.. while my husband was holding her.. without a shirt on. I'm telling you, I almost died. DIED! Or the home video I have of him changing one particularly potent diaper with gloves on, and a shirt tied over his head, and STILL making gagging noises. *sigh* I can almost feel a laugh creeping in my belly just thinking about those moments.

(I'm sure I laughed at other times during our marriage... but nothing comes to mind right now)
(But this post isn't about him... except that maybe I wish he had her this morning. You'll see why in a minute...)

Today was a particularly poop powered day though. The high and low of my day? Poop!

This morning, my toddler got quiet... you guys... did you read that? MY TODDLER... GOT... QUIET. I mean, what a rookie mistake. I should know better. But to be honest with you, she has been on it lately so when she finally peeled herself off of my leg and wandered into her room, I was too busy chugging my coffee that was already getting cold to give her a second thought. So I finished my coffee, and decided I was too peaceful. Mind you, it was probably only 5 minutes, tops, but lately, 5 minutes without her is unnatural. So a toddler hunting I went. What did I find? Well let me tell you... I found my toddler. naked. trying to "clean" up her accident. And what do I mean by "clean up her accident" you ask? Well, best I can tell, she pooped her pants, took them off, and some fell on the floor. She tried to pick it up. It got on her hand. She tried to wipe it off. It got on her chair. She tried to clean it up... You get the idea. I immediately want to throw up. Then die. Or maybe just move away. At the very least, this end of the house must be burnt. To. The. Ground.

I clean her up and through my gagging, I realize something very important... her panties. Where are her panties? Where. The HELL. Are her panties? shit. shit shit shit. I immediately start tearing up the room looking for these hidden poopy panties frantically screaming "get your panties, Aubrey! For the love of God, why are you just standing there? Quit laughing. It's not funny. IT'S NOT FREAKING FUNNY! Where are they?" Finally, convinced she is intentionally leading me astray, I throw her in the tub. Because, let's be honest.. 1- no amount of baby wipes were getting her clean enough to kiss. She needed to soak in a bubbly bath. 2- I can't think of anything else that will keep her in 1 place long enough for me to find these damn panties. 3- If history repeats itself, the tub would be the easiest to clean. My only other option was putting her in one of the dog's pens outside. And I wasn't quite that hysterical yet.

While I'm looking, she is screaming "da! daaaa! dada!" over and over. So finally, I say "what... do... you... want..." and she signs for a snack. Are you kidding me? A snack? You want a snack? We have a pair of poopy panties on the loose, mama is almost in tears, and you want a snack? And you want ME to deliver that snack to you in the bathtub no less? Kid... you have some nerve.

So I call my sister, who has a sweet cuddly immobile baby. She needs to be warned. While I'm on the phone with her, I find the panties. IN THE DIRTY CLOTHES BASKET. My sister, obviously oblivious to what her future holds, thinks this is hilarious and my kid is a genius that should be rewarded for cleaning AND doing laundry.

Then this happened. 12 hours after poopageddon started our day, this happened. My big girl POOPED IN THE POTTY! We have been mostly potty trained for a year. Recently, we even cut out the pull-up's at night and nap time. But pooping has been a process. So this is huge! See that little thumbs up? She was SO PROUD of herself. We were jumping up and down, dancing, singing, clapping, the whole 9 yards. 
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